


Trust Me, I’m Ok

by starsdontdisappear



Category: ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 21:35:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18290693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsdontdisappear/pseuds/starsdontdisappear
Summary: Taka keeps wondering what Toru means to him, and what he means to Toru. But he shrugs it off because he cares about their friendship way too much to risk it.Alternatively, Taka is head over heels for Toru. He’s in deep shit, but Toru is there so he’s alright. But the truth is, he’s not okay.





	Trust Me, I’m Ok

**Author's Note:**

> This is just an attempt at writing a Toruka fanfiction wherein the setup is a bit gloomy but cozy, in contrast to most Toruka fics that are lively and/or hilarious utmost. Not particularly angsty though, this one. Just gloomy. Whatever HAHA! For everyone that gets to read this, hope you enjoy. 
> 
> There could be grammatical and spelling errors present so please let me know so I can improve on them.

There he goes again with his fitted black ripped jeans, black shirt underneath a blue and gray plaid parka, and worn out Converse; prancing towards Taka who is sitting on one of the swings at a playground near his apartment. Almost all the children there have gone home with their mothers and nannies after hours of playing after school. It is peaceful and the cherry blossoms are in bloom and they are so beautiful, but not as breathtaking as the man standing in front of Taka. In his eyes, no one could possibly be as attractive as Toru, and it’s such a shame nobody even gives him credits for the kind of good looks he has. He isn’t even trying to be; he just is and it almost breaks Taka’s heart how unaware Toru is of the kind of charisma he has that almost always sweeps Taka off his feet. They’ve been best friends since high school. He practically witnessed Toru’s growth, physically and mentally. Toru used to be a little shorter than he is now. Still attractive nonetheless. But maybe he wasn’t as attractive as Taka was, because in high school, girls used to swarm around Taka, but never did towards Toru. 

Maybe it was only him who saw it before— the kind of soul Toru has that was even more stellar than his good looks. And maybe that was what drew him closer to Toru. Sometimes he is thankful that not many are attracted to Toru the way he is, whatever that means. Whether he meant he needed him all to himself as a best friend or something else; he figured he’d take care of that later on. Knowing not many around them ever showed interest towards Toru, though it is highly questionable, gives Taka a sense of peace somehow. 

Spring break had begun.

Toru is smiling at him. He looks at the surrounding cherry blossoms that are blooming and then back at his best friend. The sound of the creaking of the rusty swing is loud amidst the silence that seems to be wrapping both of them. 

“You forgot about my birthday. Toru, just because you’re the best friend I have doesn’t give you a free pass at me not being mad at you,” Taka huffs, his fluffy curls being gently rustled by the chilly wind. 

The taller guy steps forward, only a foot away from Taka, and cups his face in his hand. It is warm and Taka feels like he can melt at the gentleness and thoughtfulness of the touch. 

There’s a special bond between them that neither of them even mentions, let alone realize. None of the two mind the gentle touches, or how sometimes their hugs lasted more than it should, or even when one of them feels a little bit sadder when the other feels so.

“You know I’d never forget,” Toru says as he fishes out a small box from the pocket of his pants and opens it right in front of Taka’s dumbfounded face. 

A pair of silver hoop earrings. Toru hands him a pair of silver hoop earrings, in replacement of his stud ones, and then he tucks his blonde hair behind his ear to emphasize that he is already wearing one. 

“What’s this? Couple earrings?” Taka laughs as he gleefully removes his studs and puts on the silver hoops. The accessories glimmer when the sun rays hit it, and Taka can’t help his smile from coming out a bit too obvious for his liking.

“I don’t know. But couple earrings has a nice ring to it,” the blonde replies with a wide smile that sends shiver down Taka’s spine and he doesn’t know what to do with this sensation that’s slowly whirling within his stomach and chest. 

“Oh no, they look so good on you, Taka-chan,” Toru coos at him. 

“Don’t do that. You’re making my heart skip a beat,” he answers back and earns a chuckle from Toru. 

Bantering like long time couples is their thing, and Taka is confident that no matter how cheesy and sappy his responses to Toru are, the blonde only hears them as jokes. But on times like this, he wishes he is brave enough to know what it is that he really wants from Toru. Yet, the more he forces himself to put a certain label for his feelings, the more he jeopardizes their friendship. And it leaves him helpless. 

He mindlessly plays with his right ear as he marvels at the new hoop that now seems to have more meaning, and he finds it difficult to zone out while he thinks of Toru and the way his hands felt earlier cupping his face. His friend sits on the empty swing next to him, his back pack lying on the sandy ground as he waits for Taka to speak again. 

It has become some sort of tradition for them. Taka is always alone for his birthday, so no matter what, Toru makes time for him. Sometimes, in hindsight, it looks a bit too much for him to be doing that for Taka. But even then, Taka feels he wants it more than Toru does. The soft touches, the smiles, the subtle glances, the togetherness. He hopes he hasn’t been making it too apparent. He doesn’t want to lose his best friend over something as trivial as his own feelings. 

“Arcade?” he asks Taka. It’s one of their favorite pastimes, even when they were in high school, but more now that they’re in college. An escape from their dreaded school life.

Taka looks beside him, “your treat?” 

“Of course. I’ve been looking forward to this day. Always have since forever,” Toru replies and Taka almost hates it that his cheeks feels warm and his ears are turning crimson red.

They spend hours in the arcade playing race and pinballs until Taka got tired of losing over Toru. He huffs as they walk towards the exit of the packed house arcade when they pass by a claw machine, and Taka gives Toru a longing look. 

“You want the Pikachu?” he asks. A smile finds its way on Taka’s lips. 

Toru cracks his knuckles, prepares a few hundred yens, and breathes deeply before he holds the joystick that controls the claw. The stuffed Pikachu was regular in shape that it looks easy to capture with the claw. Or at least that’s what the two of them thought. To no avail, the Pikachu remains in its glass case along with many other stuffed pokemons. 

The sound of honking and buzzing envelops the busy district of Shibuya, as two men walk side by side amidst the crowd of young men and women on a sunny noon time. At some point, Taka’s hand softly brushes against Toru’s and it drives him crazy just how much he desires to finally hold Toru’s hand. It hurts his insides thinking how farfetched the future looks for him and Toru. 

“I’m sorry I’m not good with claw machines,” Toru apologises with a sorry look targeted towards the person next to him. 

“It’s fine, Toru-san. I’ll treat you ramen. Let’s go?” He replies and finally grabs Toru’s wrist to bring him to a popular ramen shop. 

They eat in silence, a huge contrast against the noisy customers around them. 

Toru notices the sullen look that slowly forms in Taka’s eyes. 

“You’re sad,” he says. He places his chopsticks on top of his bowl, touches Taka’s chin with his forefinger and lifts it up to have a better look at his best friend’s face. 

“I don’t know really. It’s been 8 years anyway,” Taka talks back hoping that it isn’t obvious he can’t stare back at Toru. So he just focuses his eyes on that part between Toru’s eyebrows, so somehow he looks like he was staring back at him. 

The clanking of plates and bowls mounting above each other is loud in the background. A group of friends sits by the table beside them, conversing about the weather and why one of their friends can’t seem to confess his feelings to his long time crush. And this causes a mischievous smile on Toru’s lips to emerge. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop; he just pays attention to his surroundings that much. 

“Forget about it. Your mom and dad will come by sooner or later. I mean, what parents would leave their son like this?” 

“My parents, apparently,” Taka scoffs and leans against his wooden chair. He doesn’t finish his ramen, only midway through it. His appetite goes away as soon as he remembers his parents. 

“You know I would do anything for your sake. Whatever you need, I would do it,” Toru tells him straight to his eyes, and if they aren’t in a public place, Taka would be a crying mess. 

Taka covers a part of his face with his hand and says, “you make me blush, Toru-san.” It is spoken in a manner that makes Taka shy away and instantly wishes he never uttered those words at all. He bites his lips and hopes that Toru recognizes he means it differently.

“Really? Anything?” Taka confirms and he leans forward to check whether his best friend was bluffing or not.

Toru’s gaze doesn’t falter, not even one bit. He says something like, “name it, I will.” But Taka wants to make sure he won’t be crossing the line between their friendship. He squints at Toru. 

“As long as it’s not illegal, sure.”

“Would you really?” He confirms once again, excitement starting to boil in his guts. 

“Taka, I’ve been with you for a pretty long time. Literally nothing will be impossible for me to do for you. It’s your birthday, I’m giving you this chance,” the tall man responds, picking up the chopsticks he laid on the top of his ramen bowl. He waits for Taka’s answer while he scoops and slurps a forkful of noodles. 

“Can you stay with me? For the night?” he finally gives Toru an answer. 

Those words rolled out of Taka’s tongue so smoothly that when he said it, it doesn’t appear that now he wishes he never should have opened his mouth. But he guesses there is no turning back when one of them looks eagerly at the other without a hint of reluctance or rejection in his face. The laughter around them grows louder in each second Taka waits for Toru’s reply. As if there was a clock hanging by Taka’s head that he magically hears it ticking so defeaning, like the silence that Toru is giving him. 

“I’d stay the night,” Toru finally answers just when Taka’s imaginary clock is about to tick to its last second in a countdown before he takes back his words. He smiles while looking down. 

That’s how the two of them end up with cans of beers and bags of snacks in Taka’s apartment, afternoon dusk spreading all over Tokyo as seen through the wide, glass window of his living room. The sky is a painted mixture of blue, white, pink, purple, and yellow gradient, in a vast horizon, and Taka can’t help but sigh in astonishment. He misses his mom and dad, especially on this day. Wishes he gets a chance to see this with them. But Toru is with him, and one way or another, he is going to fill out the sadness that just lurks right behind every smile he shows. 

“I thought I would’ve moved on from it by now, you know. I’m already 24 after all,” Taka speaks as he watches Toru’s back while he is making them his birthday dinner. A box of strawberry cake sat on the table and Taka takes one piece of his favorite fruit. It is sweet in his mouth and he wonders just how similar Toru’s lips could be if it would taste as close as the fruit. This is not the first time he has thought about that, but it grows even stronger on days when he misses his family and his fear of abandonment visits him with no warning. Not just the kiss, though, but the exact sensation of loving and being loved in return. He craves for it. 

“I guess I just wanted to be loved again,” he says then sighs heavily.

“I love you, though,” Toru answers but without taking his eyes off from the pot on the electric stove. “I’m your best friend.” 

It’s mortifying how Toru already has a complete maneuvre on Taka’s emotions, but only absentmindedly so. Because while he attempts at comforting his best friend the best way he thinks he’s doing, Taka aches inside and he swears there’s a slight explosion of excruciating pain within the walls of his chest when Toru emphasizes what they really are even unknowingly. 

“Yea. But you know what I mean,” he gathers a huge amount of courage as he blurts out. “I want to know how it feels. Waking up the next morning and finding yourself cuddled in each other’s arms. Kissing even when you both have morning breath. Holding each other’s hands. Not leaving each other’s side.” 

There’s a song playing on Toru’s phone that’s been connected to the bluetooth speakers. It plays softly, just enough to set the mood for them. It says something like “I’m okay (trust me), I’m not okay.” A song from when they were teenagers by a band they used to listen to most of the time. Taka bobs his head along with the melody. 

“I’m here though,” Toru says again. 

“Forget it,” Taka dismisses the topic. “How’s the food?” he asks.

“Relax. I’m not going to burn the kitchen down, birthday boy,” Toru replies and even when he has his back turned against Taka, his tone implies that he has a huge grin on his face now.

They down the whole box of beer cans and devour the curry that Toru prepared earlier. And when it is time, Taka invites Toru in his bedroom to sleep the night away. 

See, they’ve been best friends for 8 years, but it’s just now that Toru has been allowed to enter the sacred bedroom of his friend. It’s impressive, to say the least. Music sheets are piled up on his study table where his laptop is. Beside it is his electric keyboard and a white guitar leans on the stand. The whole bedroom screams of Music Major Student, but a slightly fancier version of Toru’s. The walls are also monochromatic as well as the bedsheet and pillows. The bed, though, is unnecessarily huge for a single person. He starts wondering why he wasn’t allowed in here before, and why now. 

Walking around, he sees a photo of Taka and his family on the nightstand from his toddler days and when he graduated from elementary. Nothing follows after that. He doesn’t ask Taka about it. He knows enough that it hurts Taka so he keeps his mouth shut as he hears the sound of water in the bathroom. Toru concludes that maybe this is where Taka cries, when he doesn’t do it in front of him, for 8 years when his anxiety kicks in. It could be longer than 8 years though, he knows. He wasn’t there from the beginning. 

After he gets changed with Taka’s spare clothes, they lie on the bed, both backs lie flat on the soft cushion. 

“Thank you for today, Toru-san,” he speaks but there are words he wants to say that are left hanging in the air. 

“Anything for you,” Toru responds. He moves to his side and turns to Taka. The earrings gleam in the dim room; only a lampshade is shedding out light. Toru reaches for the silver hoop in delight and plays with it with his fingers. 

“Happy birthday,” he says and wraps his arm around Taka’s waist, places his chin on his shoulder; lips only a few inches from Taka’s reddening ear. 

Taka can feel the warm breath from Toru’s mouth, yet he doesn’t flinch. It’s too comfortable in his embrace. Too consoling. Too perfect. But too agonizing.

***

It was four in the morning when Toru wakes up from his slumber. With his palm, he touches the side of the bed where Taka lied, only to discover that he is alone and Taka is gone. He gets up, panic rising in his head. That side of the bed was still warm suggesting that it isn’t a long time ago since his friend went out. He thinks he must have done something wrong. He shouldn’t have hugged him. He shouldn’t have said ‘I love you’ or attempted at making him the happiest on his birthday. He shouldn’t have presented himself, even when he blanketed it as purely out of friendship. 

Maybe he fucked up. Big time. 

A note barely stuck on the fridge by a magnet greeted Toru. 

_I’m in the park. Just wanted some fresh air. If you read this and I’m not still not here, you can come._

He immediately wears his plaid parka over his house clothes and slips on his Converse. 

The air outside is chilly; the neighborhood is asleep and a replica of a ghost town. Toru found Taka sitting on one of the swings. 

_There he is again,_ he thinks. Taka in his enormous black jacket, the hoodie over his head. His shoulders drooping on the sides and legs swayed front and back, playing with the sand. Grains of sand stick on his New Balance sneakers, his hand tightly gripping on the chains of the swing. He looks small, as is what Toru finds very adorable in him. He looks younger now than he did years ago. No wonder girls swarm around him, Toru thinks to himself. With that charm and grit, who wouldn’t? 

Taka swings there, thinking; grateful that Toru understands. From his peripheral view, he sees Toru quietly swaying his seat front then back. He thinks some more to himself. Events from yesterday are in playback— the arcade, walking in Shibuya side by side, ramen and cake and beer, and how warm Toru’s breath was on the tip of his ear. He scoffs and Toru loses his motion. 

“What are you thinking about?” Toru shoots the question in the air. 

For a second, he hopes he had not asked that. To be honest, he is not ready to know what Taka has in his mind. Not when had gone soft on him the night before. And not when he feels so vulnerable beside Taka. 

The thing is, he’s not sure as well. He is truly, irrevocably fond of Taka. Some mornings, he ponders on how selfish he is for wanting Taka to only be by his side, and not with another. And he’s not sure what it means when he feels longing for him, and how his world totally turns upside down just hearing Taka laugh or sing. Not sure what to call it when there are instances when he looks at Taka and he sees cherry blossoms in full bloom and loud fireworks. So beautiful. But also so frightening. 

“Nothing much, just some…clarity, I guess?” he answers. 

“Clarity from?” Toru stops Taka’s swing and squats in front of him. 

He couldn’t help but examine the way Taka’s eyes glimmer. There’s a speck of dawn in his irises and Toru is getting closer to the answer to his doubts. 

“From this? I don’t want to be the only one that feels this, Toru-san,” he finally says. “You make me happy, but I don’t know why you do the things you do.” 

Taka looks down at his sneakers. He doesn’t cry; he has overcome crying over Toru long ago. 

“You make me happy. So, so happy that sometimes it gathers in my gut and expands, and sometimes I feel like crying out of despair because what am I really to you?” 

He continues to speak as he massages his hands to relax himself. The morning is starting to peep through the vast skyline; there are a few bikers passing by, and Toru keeps his position in front of Taka. 

“You hugged me last night, and it all made sense at last. I’ve had this feelings for so long. At first I just thought that it’s because we’re best friends, that’s why I liked you. But last night it finally dawned on me exactly what I thought of you. And you know? I’m fine with it. I’m not asking the same from you. It’s overwhelming to be honest. And I just have to let you know I like you. Now if you don’t feel the same, all I ask is for you to let me go,” he calmly utters, finally looking at the man in front of him. 

There are subtle tears in Toru’s eyes. He stands up and in breathes heavily. Taka waits for his response and he is praying he does it fast so he can ultimately head back to his apartment to sulk. 

But Toru reaches for his hands and they look so small being held by Toru’s. 

“If it makes you feel any better, I was heavy with thoughts, too, on the way here,” he spoke. 

The sky is now much brighter than it was. The moon is still hanging in the sky, but the sun is slowly rising. 

“What were you thinking about?” Taka asks him. 

“You.” 

“What about me?” Taka raises an eyebrow at his best friend. 

“You’re dumb. I can’t let you go,” he chuckles and beams at Taka. “I already told you yesterday.”

Toru can hear his own pounding heart too loud that he almost couldn’t hear himself talking. He looks at Taka and finally, the answer to his doubts start to clear up as Taka gives him a huge smile that he almost lost a while ago. 

The night sky starts to make way for the daylight. More and more, the neighborhood begins to awake, and Taka stands up in front of Toru. His smile doesn’t go away as he eventually approaches Toru for an embrace and he surmises…

_Ah, so this is love._


End file.
